1. They should hold a telethon to benefit victims of Il Divo. For fuck's sake.
2. Remember the Simpsons episode where someone in a crowd made a joke at Grandpa Simpson's expense, and he laughed with everyone, sighed, and said, "I'm a living joke"? Welcome to life as Sanjaya Malakar. He's the John Wayne Bobbitt of American Idol—his only cultural currency is as a punchline, so he's got no choice but to laugh along. I actually feel strangely sorry for the kid.
3. Speaking of Simpsons references, when are they gonna get to the fireworks factory?
4. In order to compute how much I will donate to Idol Gives Back, I began tonight's episode with a stack of 100 $1 bills. Every time something sucky or annoying happens—Mickey Dolenz pantses around to "Stayin' Alive," Il Divo performs, Josh Groban exists—I take a dollar and put it in my pocket. If there's anything left at the end, the orphans can have it. Ninety-three minutes through tonight's show, they've got $4 to go. If Linda is right that the surprise elimination is a non-elimination, I'm going to find an orphan and kick him in the shins.
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If Stephen kicks a malaria-stricken orphan, as he just threatened via text, I will "Give Back" $100. Rise to the challenge, Thompson!
And with Celine and Dead Elvis, the orphans now owe Stephen $56.
I've been updating this post throughout the show, so hadn't seen Video Celine dueting with Holographic Elvis. Jesus Jake. My current plan is to pay a malaria-stricken orphan $100 to kick Nigel Lythgoe in the throat.
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